A reflection from our August Extended Learning Workshop with Troy L. Love, MSW, LCSW.Troy L. Love opened his Extended Learning Workshop with a story about being fourteen.
Standing outside the room
It was three in the afternoon, and he was standing outside Mr. Rice's room. Earlier that day there had been an announcement. Anyone who wanted to try out for track and field could come by after school and sign up.
Troy thought about it. He knew he could run fast. For three years he had been outrunning the boys who chased him home every day. He didn't know anything about track and field, but it sounded like fun. Maybe he could do this.
So he walked down to the room. And then he stood there, and a conversation started.
You do not seriously think you're going to go in there, do you? Look at you. You weigh 75 pounds soaking wet. You've never played a sport in your life. Remember how you always got picked last? Mr. Rice is going to take one look at you and say no. And those boys who have been chasing you, they're in that room right now. You're just setting yourself up for ridicule. Just go home.
He stood there about five minutes, going back and forth. Then he went home.
And as he walked, the voice changed.
Why didn't you go in there? You chicken. You should have tried, and now it's too late. You messed that up, the way you mess everything up. Don't ever tell anybody you had this idea.
“What I didn’t understand at that time, being a ninth grader, was that I was dealing with shame.”
He never found out whether he had what it took. The assumption he carried out of that hallway was that he never would have made it anyway.
Everyone who tries out for track and field makes it. Everybody gets a place. He learned that later. At fourteen, nobody had told him.
Where the shadows come from
Babies are not born with shame. Troy is clear about that. Shame arrives from outside, in messages from parents, friends, culture, and a world that tells us we are not worthy of love and belonging unless we meet certain conditions. We take those messages in. Eventually they stop sounding like other people and start sounding like us.
He calls them the Shadows of Shame. There are six: the judge, the royal, the politician, the martyr, the impotent one, and the rebel. They work in opposing pairs. One says we are worthless. Its opposite says we are better than everyone else. Either way we end up separated from other people, which is one of the things shame does best.
And the part that matters most: the shadow is not you. It may sound exactly like you. It still isn't you.
Going back
A couple of years ago, Troy went to his thirtieth high school reunion. They gave the group a tour of the school. He slipped away, went down to the basement, and found Mr. Rice's room.
He imagined his ninth grade self standing there, surrounded, scared. And then he talked to him.
"Troy, I love you. You're not going into Mr. Rice's room. I wish that we did, but we didn't. And that does not change how I feel about you. You're enough. You matter. You are worthy of love and belonging."
He told him a lot of painful things had already happened, and more were coming, and that none of it meant he was not worthy of love.
"We don't have to stand outside of Mr. Rice's room and wish that we went in there anymore. We have things to do. And we have lives to touch. And we have light to shine. So I want you to come with me."
He came. Troy brought him into his heart, and he's been there since.
The shadows still show up. Troy says they always will. So he does what he taught us. I see you. I hear you. I know what you're doing. Oh, you're trying to take care of my abandonment wound. I've got it now. Thank you.
I'm enough. I matter.
About Troy L. Love
Troy L. Love, MSW, LCSW, is a psychotherapist, author, and educator, and the founder of Finding Peace Consulting. He is the author of the Finding Peace workbook, hosts The Finding Peace Podcast, and serves as Clinical Director of Yuma Counseling Services. His work centers on attachment wounds and shame resilience. You can find him at findingpeaceconsulting.com.
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